I've re homed my turtle Sugarfoot to an expert in turtles who I think will be able to better tend to her turtly needs. She's apparently a Cumberland mix which explains her size.

missing something scaly and cute in my life I traveled to the Wisconsin Reptile Expo.

there I discovered an assortment of slithery crawly critters. Many of them over priced in my opinion though a few very reasonable. There, I encountered a creature with such charm, and coy demeanor and delicate sensibilities that I immediately made an offer and brought her home.


I am proud to announce the acquisition of Venomous the Destroyer!

A very fine specimen of Rhacodactylus ciliatus. I will be taking pictures as often as I can. But first to find the camera.

I will tell you she's a fierce one. the moment I opened her travel container she leaped upon me with a ferocity unseen in ages. There was an epic struggle as man and beast clashed and she manhandled me like a rag doll. Finally she got tired of my pitiful cries for mercy and decided to nap on the rim of her water dish. Currently she's on a bit of a branch surveying her new kingdom with draconian elegance.


P.S.

bonus points to any one who knows what a Rhacodactylus Ciliatus is with out resorting to internets.

My work organizes us into teams. I was on Team Chuck. Chuck being the super tall lanky blond haired guy who bought me all you can eat wings and last night subs from silver mines. He's a good friend. but the more I get to know him the less attractive he is. He's a good friend though.

Well recently I've been pulled off his team and put onto Team Ashton.
Ashton.... is a relative unknown at the company. New. Seems nice. Always has a nice smile for me. Seems very friendly if not a little shy.
We'll see how she measures up.

Yep My shades are cool.

People apparently wanted to know what I look like. So here I am. Yep. Exciting.

Where I work they do sporadic call monitoring to regulate the quality of the service we provide.
If you get a score of below an 90 you go on IM I think it's called and they monitor you twice a day instead of once a day till you get 5 90+'s in a row. if you get an 85 or lower they put a guy behind you for 2 hours. give you a monitor AN HOUR for 5 hours and then you go onto IM status.
So, ..

Yesterday my chair broke as I was trying to adjust it and it flipped me forward and off the chair to the floor causing me to royally fuck up a sentence. I got back in my chair and missed the errors and they went uncorrected. I got in trouble, an 85. I mentioned to the person reviewing me about it, they seemed unconcerned.
I mentioned it again to my supervisor in passing and he was all WTF, your chair broke that's extenuating circumstances you should get points for that and blah de blah. And he went in (after my 2 hours of coaching) and changed the score so I wouldn't be at the 5 hours of a monitor an hour.

today I get to work and right away BOOM I get a monitor. I was like. hrmm. ok. so I went back to my desk, second hour goes by. break time, yay. I go to break, I buy some nice iced tea, I come back and the same woman as yesterday takes me into a side room and asks me if I'm ok. If there is any thing she should know, because she monitored me AGAIN, right away, (I should only be getting one a day mind you) and I got a policy violation because not only was it a super hard call, but the program dropped a big chunk of the words which I was penalized for and got the lowest score I've ever seen. a 77. I lost my shit. I flipped out. That is a day with out pay go home you're done for the day come back tomorrow and we'll put a coach behind you ect ect ect.

So. I am driving home, I call my supervisor to tell him why I'm not going to be there and he's like WTF? I changed that, you shouldn't have been getting monitors. Look, I'm going to call this girl and talk to her for you.
I didn't want him to go to any trouble I just needed a friendly ear but he said no. I know what you need. all you can eat wings at quaker state. my treat. how about it?

so now I have a date for wings I guess.
I'd rather be working and earning a pay check but I guess wings are ok. I can drown my sorrows in hot sauce.

I like the wopper from burger king quite a bit. The price is kind of high so I've been going for the wopper junior. The main reason I enjoy this sandwich is because when I eat it, I pretend I'm eating a Crabby Patty.

Eating them I've been trying to figure out the secret to their deliciousness and translating it into an order for the buck double, to get an even more filling burger with an equal amount of yum, but I can't quite figure it out. Lunch hour looms ever closer and I find myself hemming and hawing at my desk trying to decipher this delectable code of carnal delicacy.

We shall see who is truly meant to be King, burger lord. We shall see.

that he was addicted to hookers?

No, about your bong. You should NEVER throw a bong kid, NEVER.

My dad is a crotchety black hearted son of a bitch. That being said, I love him and if you say any thing bad about my father I will end you. So naturally when the time of fathers day came around I called my dad. I used the last 3 dollars I had to my name to call him long distance.
I spoke to him till he finally handed the phone off to mother and I inquired slyly about his health and about how he was doing around the house.

Finally I asked, "Hey mom, did Jail bird call pops?"

to which she replied, "Who? Do you mean your sister?"

"Yeah" I said angrily "I mean my sister. She's allowed to make phone calls from prison right?"

"Oh, well yes. She can" My mom said trying to find out where I was going with this.

"Well why the fuck didn't she call our father? Is she too busy raising her three kids? Oh wait, no that's right, she's in fucking jail. Hmm, What the fuck else is she going to do with her time? It's not like she was too drunk to call him like she was on mothers day before she got thrown in prison. Fuck her"

To which my mother told me she loved me and wished me a pleasant evening.

My job requires my use and abuse of powerful voice recognition software. While it is good stuff it has it's weaknesses and SOMETIMES it hears different things than what I say. and SOMETIMES I hear different things than the client says and am forced to take my best educated guess.

This results in pure hilarity.

I will be posting, from time to time, hilarious shit that I've seen on my screen at work. Weather or not it was ever said, I can't disclose, but none the less, this is hilarious.


"Helen, we have ghost customers. I need you to eat the emails."

"that's the problem. The Genitals are every where. they're huge!"

"If you're not feeling good you should go see doctor rapes. A visit to him will have you feeling better. Your mother never complained"